apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
