I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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