I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I love you. Go after that dick
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
