one word: firstdatebathroomanal
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
