When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
