I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
she peed on how many people?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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