my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize