she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
