there's paper in my vomit.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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