I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
