quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
