Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
