You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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