i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
