Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
