Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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