the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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