You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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