Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
i think i just naturally attract stoners
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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