I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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