How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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