She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
