I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
