Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
