It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
someone owes me an orgasm
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
