People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
