I just threw up on my dentist
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
