I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
