Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
