Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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