i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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