I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
