it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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