Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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