i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize