I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
