Will you blow on my dice?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
