I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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