My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I need to sanitize my soul.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Randomize
