I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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