Banned from zoo.
Again?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
