I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
