I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
