i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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