My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
