Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
