dude i'm inner monologue high
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
