Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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