My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
