Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
