Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
