When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just want to make out with him forever
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
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