hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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