Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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