How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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