Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
you're hired as official boob wrangler
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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