I murdered the dance floor call the cops
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
its liver damage thursday
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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