Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
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