i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
