i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
