yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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