youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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